Mountain Bike Nationals 2019: Snow Summit, California

I've sat down many other times to write a blog starting about a year ago with mtb nats last year, then cx nats, road nats, a catch up for over the summer... the list is long. I guess it shows my personality a bit. I get passionate about something, engulf myself in it, then before long the excitement passes and I stop caring about it. Then time and time again I get the urge to start it back up, work towards that for a bit, and quickly end it again. My racing is no different. I get a decent race and feel high on life, ready to train hard and continue racing in that same way. When a bad race comes along I get almost too motivated trying to find a "quick fix" to get me back to feeling race ready. It's a normal cycle for an athlete I guess.

That may seem random, but it was the cycle I have been stuck in for the past year and a half. I've used this to burn me out on racing. I used it to grind down my thought of myself as an athlete and my internal drive to train and push during races. I'd practiced and gotten good at convincing myself I was burnt out, wasn't cut out for any type of racing, and that this problem was a permanent fixture in me as an athlete. I'd talked to my coach and dad claiming I was "burnt out" and that I needed a break. My coach gave me a training plan to take me through nationals while my dad told me to do what I want to, be happy with me as an athlete, and to train how I wanted to train and not be stuck in a routine that limited me. I was scared of trying what my dad had suggested but there was something in me that knew that was what I needed and would help me as a racer. I began to train within my coaches plan but modified slightly to what I wanted to do. I removed self-pressure from my racing and I started to finally be happy again in racing. This continued until Nationals.

We flew out to California as a team early Tuesday morning leaving two and a half days to pre ride and chill before race day. The XC course was fun, fast, and not technical. I was happy to be back on SoCal dirt (and, yes, even the breakbumps). The elevation, course condition, and the amount of loose dry dust were common complaints throughout many of the riders. I tried to stay out of my head about this, limiting the self-pressure to do good, and tried to just enjoy. Making the elevation, course condition, and dust part of what was going to be fun about the race (ok, maybe not the dust, but sometimes you have to exaggerate to get your mind to be psyched about something...). I was in a happy place. Back in some of Cali's mountains (or rather the "bumps of California"), chilling with my favorite group of people, seeing my family and friends, being able to cook real food in a real kitchen, and preparing for mountain bike nationals. It was a legit vacation!

Friday morning came and it was time to race XC. I lined up, claiming one of the last row spots in the start. I wasn't worried. Zack put me there so I could have girls "to chase and push" me throughout the race. The race started and we were sent up the team relay course and I was only pushed farther back in the field. We got back onto the XC course road and I felt like I was in the last ten spots... not to worry, I was here to race how I wanted to and completely love it. I stuck behind a group of girls up the first singletrack section to finish warming up. Once getting onto the fire road it was time to settle into my own pace. I was rather shocked when after a couple minutes I had dropped the group I was originally with, caught a couple smaller groups and was beginning to distance them too. It didn't matter where I was at in the field anymore... I was where I wanted to be; catching, passing, and distancing every girl I saw. I kept going, finishing the climb and down the descent. In the jump line someone yelled that Hayley, my teammate, was up the road. I was going to keep riding as I had been, not get concerned about Hayey up the road, but continue riding how I had and see where it would take me. I turned onto the road and my legs went into autopilot. I felt like I was exactly where I needed and wanted to be. The first single track disappeared behind me, I was in front of Hayey and passing more girls as I kept climbing. I was feeling good and passed an old high school rival racer, giving me more incentive to push up over the top and drop down the last descent fast.

It was about half way down that decent for the last time that something happened. I don't know what, really, but it was like I broke through a wall in my brain. It is hard to express, but over the past months I'd felt like I was walled-in during races, not able to fully race like me. I'd felt trapped and limited by something inside my brain. Right then, in that burm I realized I had broken down a piece of that wall during my race. I could hear my dad screaming for me and it was there I finally felt free. Free to push myself and race my bike again. My worry about dropping the girls behind me faded quickly as I started to try to control my emotions and not to start crying on this descent. I finished the descent over the jump line and through the finish line. I had no idea where I finished, I didn't really care, I just wanted another lap. With my new-found freedom and how physically good I was feeling during the race I knew I would have been able to pull back more spots on a third lap, but it was not meant to be. My dad was soon over by me, listening to me explain my "breakthrough race." It had been too long since the last time I was that happy after a race.

Honestly, it was weird after that race. I felt like I finally was able to race a normal race for me. Everyone was congratulating me like it was some outstanding race (while it was compared to how I have been racing), but to me it was where I was supposed to be. I felt proud and happy about my race because of the way I mentally raced and the chip in the wall I removed.

Standing with Dad and my friend Thomas at the finish, the idea of racing the 25 hrs of Frog Hollow in a team duo (with Thomas and me) was thrown out. Here I was standing no more than ten minutes after a race seriously considering racing a 25 hr with Thomas. (This had not happened after a race in a hot minute, I was normally so done with racing I did not want to think about it at all) So, we will see... fingers crossed I will be flying out to Utah in two weeks to race with Thomas.

Short track was Saturday afternoon. Long story short, it was an interesting race. Before the first turn in the race a major crash happened and the race was neutralized for about ten minutes. That was a first... never had I heard about a mtb race be neutralized before. When the race officially started I was in last place (or it felt like it... I was like 4 from the back). Around the first and second corners and only one slide out happened, slowing the whole field up. Out of that corner, I found the right gear and past what felt like half of the field. I was around top fifteen going through the finish line into the second lap. After that, my semi-typical STXC resumed and I fell farther back into the field until being pulled. Although the result didn't show it, I was happy about my STXC race. I had a killer first lap that wouldn't have happened without the little "breakthrough" the day before in the XC.

This is kinda tough because I know every race will be different some I will feel great and like this one and others will not. But I'll take each race as it comes, making the most out of each one knowing it is all a part of the process. I am becoming the racer I want to be and I am determined to love each step on the process.

Anyway, Nationals was the best week that I have had! I do not want to be back on campus yet, but it be like that sometimes and tests are waiting... I just can't wait for what other adventures I will have with this team.